Trying to fight with your feelings and holding back your tears is one difficult thing to do, and that’s what I am battling… Each individual have their own weaknesses, and I for one, hate being weak… I’ve been through a lot as I journey to life, from childhood to teenage years and now being an adult… Never in my thought that I will have this kind of burden… A dilemma which I don’t have the hands to maneuver… Maybe for some it may seem not a big deal but you will not feel exactly the same way I/we do as long as you’re not in my/our shoes…
Enough for that introduction, what am I really up to? First, let me out from this dark shell and give me a chance to talk… Last New Year, I promised myself that I will stop/minimize ranting, but what can I do, I really can’t help it… For quite sometime I am battling with my emotions along with my tears and it’s never that easy… We’re part of this TTC group and it’s been a year since we tried to conceive on a natural way with no luck… To start the New Year right, we decided to visit an OB late December 2007… They took the necessary test required to come up with probable cause of Infertility (a couple may be treated as infertile if they past 1 year of trying)… All results came out normal and I am happy about it, and TVU went good as well, I can still vividly recall when she said “Your O is so beautiful and there’s nothing to worry about”, it’s the 3rd time I heard that quote… From that day, my worries slowly fade away and I started to live with positive thoughts everyday…
Come January 2008, first cycle came, just in time for the first fertility work up… I was prescribed to take Clomid 50mg for 5 consecutive days starting from the 2nd day of the period… On 12th till the 15th day of my cycle I have to go to the clinic for the Follicular monitoring / study… During those visits I have this positive vibes, especially when I came to know that the egg has its perfect size with normal endo lining and I do ovulate on time… Everything seems to be a breeze and all we have to do is to pray and stay positive… TWW is so slow, it was the longest waiting time ever… While everything looks perfect and your hopes are up high, all of sudden your unexpected period came… My world suddenly stop, I tried to keep myself calm before anything else… I console myself, believing that there’s still next time… Not wanting hubby to see me sad, I pretended that things are ok and we’ll definitely hit the next round…
Life goes on, took another Clomid 50mg for the 2nd cycle… During the TWW my insanity begins… This coming March 2008 I am expecting my monthly visit to arrive, but instead of wanting the TWW to end, I am praying for that day not to come… Now I can truly relate to those TTC, it is difficult to face each cycle and to accept the possibility of getting a negative result… Honestly, I want to give up with this kind of work ups because it adds much pressure and more expectations… I don’t know, I really don’t know… My heart says to stop but my mind tells me to fight… Well, I don’t have any idea what will be next… How long it will take? Hubby is always telling me not to pressure myself and always stay happy, but how can I manage to keep me cool? Maybe I don’t have enough patience or maybe I am not strong enough to handle this kind of situation in which I never thought of stepping foot in this scenario… It's like a roller coaster ride from cycle to cycle...
Baby boom is just around the corner, I know it will never stop and will never ever leave my way… Few days from now will be hubby’s birthday and a bundle of joy will be a perfect present to somebody who deserves to receive a priceless gift… I maybe asking way beyond my control but I have the strong faith to believe that surely god will grant us the precious gift…
I hope this post didn’t void my New Year’s resolution that I’ll keep myself away from ranting, I’m just simply sharing my story to you guys, eeahhh!!!
As what they always say, "When it Rains it Pours"
Enough for that introduction, what am I really up to? First, let me out from this dark shell and give me a chance to talk… Last New Year, I promised myself that I will stop/minimize ranting, but what can I do, I really can’t help it… For quite sometime I am battling with my emotions along with my tears and it’s never that easy… We’re part of this TTC group and it’s been a year since we tried to conceive on a natural way with no luck… To start the New Year right, we decided to visit an OB late December 2007… They took the necessary test required to come up with probable cause of Infertility (a couple may be treated as infertile if they past 1 year of trying)… All results came out normal and I am happy about it, and TVU went good as well, I can still vividly recall when she said “Your O is so beautiful and there’s nothing to worry about”, it’s the 3rd time I heard that quote… From that day, my worries slowly fade away and I started to live with positive thoughts everyday…
Come January 2008, first cycle came, just in time for the first fertility work up… I was prescribed to take Clomid 50mg for 5 consecutive days starting from the 2nd day of the period… On 12th till the 15th day of my cycle I have to go to the clinic for the Follicular monitoring / study… During those visits I have this positive vibes, especially when I came to know that the egg has its perfect size with normal endo lining and I do ovulate on time… Everything seems to be a breeze and all we have to do is to pray and stay positive… TWW is so slow, it was the longest waiting time ever… While everything looks perfect and your hopes are up high, all of sudden your unexpected period came… My world suddenly stop, I tried to keep myself calm before anything else… I console myself, believing that there’s still next time… Not wanting hubby to see me sad, I pretended that things are ok and we’ll definitely hit the next round…
Life goes on, took another Clomid 50mg for the 2nd cycle… During the TWW my insanity begins… This coming March 2008 I am expecting my monthly visit to arrive, but instead of wanting the TWW to end, I am praying for that day not to come… Now I can truly relate to those TTC, it is difficult to face each cycle and to accept the possibility of getting a negative result… Honestly, I want to give up with this kind of work ups because it adds much pressure and more expectations… I don’t know, I really don’t know… My heart says to stop but my mind tells me to fight… Well, I don’t have any idea what will be next… How long it will take? Hubby is always telling me not to pressure myself and always stay happy, but how can I manage to keep me cool? Maybe I don’t have enough patience or maybe I am not strong enough to handle this kind of situation in which I never thought of stepping foot in this scenario… It's like a roller coaster ride from cycle to cycle...
Baby boom is just around the corner, I know it will never stop and will never ever leave my way… Few days from now will be hubby’s birthday and a bundle of joy will be a perfect present to somebody who deserves to receive a priceless gift… I maybe asking way beyond my control but I have the strong faith to believe that surely god will grant us the precious gift…
I hope this post didn’t void my New Year’s resolution that I’ll keep myself away from ranting, I’m just simply sharing my story to you guys, eeahhh!!!
As what they always say, "When it Rains it Pours"
and
"There’s always sunshine after the rain".
I guess the best thing to do is to pray and keep the faith…
5 comments:
Hi,
I know that only God can grant your wish for a bundle of Joy. Continue to be patient, He'll give it to you in His perfect time.
Don't give up dear.
thanks Aidisan for the comforting words... I really do appreciate every encouraging words from you guys!
hi trinity, thanks for passin' by. sorry to hear about your miscarriage and i hope you'll get over it soon.
I will never feel alone, if someone like you understands what i/we've been going though.
Hope we'll be blessed with our own bundle of joy soon...
hi maanne,
i just chanced upon your blogs as I was looking for dubai expats who wears FMCC shirts.
you have a very good blog and I adore your toughness on matters when it comes to your desire to have a baby.
be patient. know what, I have an officemate here who have been married for more than 2 years and they had just their bundle of joy coming this year.
I know it's frustrating some times. but you have to believe in God and also believe in yourself.
before my wife and I had our first baby, it took more than 3 months after our wedding before she got pregnant. before she got pregnant, I can hear some of our friends bullying us - they hurl invectives like "o ano na wala pa ba, ang hina mo naman" or sometimes they will say "baka naman me baog sa inyo magpacheck-up kayo". we are only humans and of course we were hurt by those things. for me as a man it's really an insult. to counter those things, we really tried to be as healthy as can be, from eating healthy foods, getting enough sleep, having exercise and so on and so forth. i reckon the thing that really made us lucky to hit the jackpot is to allow a week of rest and then lay everything out in one go. i was also eating a lot of yoghurt and make it a point to eat lot of rice before the ceremonies.
when my wife told me one morning that she was pregnant, I was really very happy. but all of this happened not only because of our ways but because of God's grace. we just kept believing.
be patient, don't think much of it coz it will give so much pressure.
just add me to your long list of friends. good luck to you and to your hubby.
hi kapusong totoo!
that was indeed a long comment and i'm glad to hear inspiring words from people like you!
thanks for all the encouraging words!
i'll add you soon, blogroll is not working properly...
again, thanks for dropping by, hope you'll hop more often...
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