I'm An aLiEn?!?

No, I am not!!! I just feel alienated in our own home. These past few days, most of the time I spend the day staying inside our room for I think there’s no use of going out. Given that we have our own TV and Laptop inside our room to make ourselves busy. Despite of that, there are some reasons rather issues why we (mainly me) decided not to mingle with the world outside our hide out. Needless to say, the fuss between me and somebody kept me away to a certain extent. From then on things became difficult for me, for I hate to see their nasty looks I tend not to go out. I don’t know how long we can live with this kind of set-up but I am hoping that it will not be in the long run. Things became so unreal and never did I expect things would turn out this way.

Well, I guess things will be better of if one will give way and admit the trouble caused.

oN bEiNg VoLaTiLe...

It’s such a bad day
I’ve been hot headed this morning and I can’t deny it
The first call I received ruined my day
Should I say, what a day!!!

Lately, I had experienced sleepless nights for the longest time
I am really bothered, lots of things is running through my head
Perhaps, I am not strong to handle things that come along
I’ve been so wasted that I can’t think any longer

It started out one Thursday, it was really devastating
I thought it will be forgotten but in the long run the wound became bigger
On my end, I tried to understand why such incident happened
But I demand an explanation and apology as well

I’ve been good enough and accepted you without further questioning
This girl di-lan came and creates a mess inside our home
It was really nerve wrecking
But it seems (she) they don’t feel ashamed of themselves

Where all the respect as well as etiquette goes?
See, you are staying in my house and you are expected to act right
But what have you done?
You tried to pretend as if nothing serious happened

You are acting like a childish brat while there are adults around (particularly me)
Your guts are over flowing, do you still have M-A-N-N-E-R-S?
It seems you don’t know how to act right ‘coz it shows
di-lan, you have lots of things to learn

I don’t want to despise you, but you pushed me to
As you pointed out, you think that we still treat you like a kid
Well, you're wrong… I have trusted you ‘coz I thought you’re old enough
But you proved me wrong ‘coz you’re still acting like a kiddo

Talk to me face to face and tell me how mature are you?
If you think you are mature enough then act accordingly
I am not against on what ever you have right now
It’s your choice and my opinion is not important though

I was once in your stage but I was not like you
I always consider the consequences that may happen before doing things
di-lan you’ve been playful as if you don’t think of what would others may perceive
Think about yourself and be conscious with everything you do

This anger and hatred inside of me will not subside
As long as things are left uncorrected
The wound will not heal otherwise it will grow bigger and deeper as days goes by
You will not win back the trust that I once gave you

I am really disappointed…

Do not be surprised if i keep on pouting on you…

jUsT pAsSiNg bY...

Last Thursday marks the 1st day of Ramadan
So to all Muslims out there, RAMADAN KAREEM!!!

Yupieee, working hours has been shorten, we’ve got the opportunity to do lots of things in stored

-ooOoo-

On the same day (Thursday) I had experience the most astonishing nightmare in my life… Until now I am not able to get rid of that freaking reverie… I will not go through any details ‘coz it really soaks me to death… Well, need to compose myself for i know it will take time to pick up the pieces again…

-ooOoo-

I have tons of things in mind but I can’t come up of anything…
I want to write some issues but I don’t know where to start…
Well, I guess this isn’t the right time…
I will cross the bridge when I get there…

That’s life sometimes you have to stumble and fall…

bAbY MuSiNg...

As l write on this online journal, a wild thought of posting on something about how it feels to be a mom in the making and/or being a parent, will we ever reach that day? When is someday by the way? Today I concede, I grieve as I speak, knowing that it’s very difficult to tackle this issue especially for those who are mom wannabe’s…

Sour grapping it may sound but this is how it really feels… Sadness, anguish, hatred, anxious, self pity accompanied by stress and depression keeps me company… I will be sarcastic if I will say I don’t envy pregnant women around, it’s just a matter of uncontrollable gush… When everyone I know started to utter, “hey, how’s the baby making” or “when will you have a baby” or “why until now you don’t have a baby” oh whatta F****** s**T… Honestly, I hate being questioned… More often I feel sick and tired of hearing those questions… Errrrrr, will you wait and be patient enough… I don’t want to loose hope but the pressure around me/us keeps on hurting me… Even when we’re out and as expected we’ll find happily married couples who are expecting to have their baby and having the best time of their lives, for me this scenario seems to be a nightmare… Should I have to stay at home and close my eyes whenever I am out --- stupid thing… Do I have to freak out? I know our turn will come, but when - @3%$^&**!*? Absolutely this is horrifying… Let me calm myself, there are couples out there who have been waiting for years now, some are still TTC, some are under medication and treatment such as IVF and have seen an RE to check fertility issues… Yet, we haven’t reached any of that stage, but here I am so upset and freaking out…

A good friend of mine (compliments for trix) who have supported me during my ordeal… She’s absolutely the right person to talk to about this mind wrecking subject… she have suffered a lot, the pain I have is just nothing from what she have gone through, it was really a traumatic experience I may say… She’s one of the toughest women I have known… And I thank GOD for giving me such a good friend like her whom I can confide and discuss anything under the sun… How I wish I was strong like her… Of course it’s good to be blessed with a supportive and understanding hubby who always showed me the real meaning of life… Hubby always tells me to move on and leave it all to GOD for he is saving the BEST for us… I agree, it will not happen in a snap, it will be given when the right time comes…

I never thought of divulging this kind of issue for I know it’s quite sensitive, but this blog was been my outlet, whatever I feel, whatever I think, whatever I do I make it a point to put in writing, because for me that's one way of expressing my ample thoughts and feelings… This is the affliction of our life… It may sound odd but that what comes within… As we succumb with life thingies, we never loose hope that one day it will come our way...

We believe in the power of prayers...
We will surely surpass whatever we’re going through…
GOD is great and GOD loves us…

Keep the ball rolling...

rAnTs...

Sitting here while my mind swirl
A shattered thought fills within
I suddenly mumble the facet of life
Subtle gallop of memoir’s captured in sight
Feeling of sudden woe hit my yielding heart
I know that it's not worth to grieve on something unclear neither confirmed

Out of my own sanity I protest
I feel isolated from the rest

For awhile, I stop and profess
That I have been weak and so much depressed
Am I unfair of being obscure?
Abruptly I admit that i feel so insecure
Why can’t I be like them?
Do you think I am on the extreme?

Prayers along with Tears is the only weapon I have
I had fought with this battle but still on the brawl
All alone I stumble while chaos is still on
How would I win this struggle on my own?
Sometimes I ask God, are you being unfair?
Or just simply passing and leaving me in despair?
Where will I get the strength to fight with this ordeal?
I thought you’ll hold on to me even without any deal

Let me complete the puzzle of life laid in front of me
Unfortunately one chip is missing, oh God please don’t let it be
All through this years I have been searching
Where did I go wrong or it’s just merely my fortune?
Dear God, I sincerely pray
Let me out of this darkest days
Please shed light and guide me all the way
Because I strongly believe that the BEST is yet to come…

~~~

My life, to you i bestow...

tHe SoOn To bE bRiDe...

Last Friday @ around 7.30-ish in the morning, i was awaken by a text message... the message was first read by my hubby and told me that my good friend M is soon to be a bride... yupieeee... so glad to hear that soon they will tie the knot... M was part of my wedding entourage and now she wants me to part of her entourage... phewww, look who's excited --- i am... i've known them as a couple for quite long now and they look adorable together... as i am the one who's excited, i immediately dialed her number and make a quick call... June 2008 was their initial plan but like what i had experienced before, the church was already booked, another option in hand is July 2008, but that would be a hassle since it will be rainy season then... albeit, i'm not yet sure though very much decided (still have to take permission from big B), if i can really make it on her BIG DAY, i enlighten her by saying i really love to be part of her wedding... she promised that she'll keep me posted whenever things will be set... i hope i could join her in her new milestone...

To Ms. M and Mr. T i'd like you to know that i'm HAPPY for both of you... cheers...