Take a Leap of Faith
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Most people do not intentionally harm those they love. The majority of things that trigger feelings of hurt, in close relationships, are never meant to have that outcome. No matter how upset you are, make a leap of faith that the other person loves you and wants you happy. When you attribute the problem to miscommunication vs. he/she doesn’t care, it diffuses some of the emotional charge. This offers more clarity to your perspective.
“Unquote” -williamaanne-: I agree with that, always look at things at the positive side. Never be a pessimist ‘coz it doesn’t help the relationship grow. Faith is really important, once you believe nothing is impossible. Miscommunication makes the problems more complicated, don’t let the day end without settling such misunderstanding.
"Win" with Compassion
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Compassion When someone does something we do not like, we tend to focus on what they did wrong. We judge. We criticize. We point out what we deem to be their faults. The person in turn feels hurt or angry. Conflict or distance occur. This is not helpful to anyone. There is no need to assign blame or prove who did what. Disengage from this lose – lose pattern! Instead, focus on the other person’s experience, empathize, look for how to help. Someone can not remain angry, hurt, or keep arguing when your response is one of compassion.
“Unquote” -williamaanne-: Be compassionate is really essential in a certain relationship. Finger pointing is such a crap thing. Blaming or judging one another will not keep a relationship intact. When such things happen, the fall back is that your partner will be angrier, though in certain marriage issues there is always the protagonist and antagonist. Now, who is who? To blame is not the solution, try to patch up things by knowing what’s the cause so as not to let the same issue play part in the future. And if required, seek advice from families or friends to solve the problem.
Reacting, bad. Responding, good.
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Emotions are just emotions. They are not right or wrong, good or bad. However, when you operate from a place where you allow your emotions to propel reactions, problems result. Allow yourself to have whatever emotions you have. Acknowledge them as how you feel. Then, decide how you want to respond. Reactions are derived from emotions alone; responses have the advantage of consulting with your brain before taking action.
“Unquote” -williamaanne-: Don’t be carried away with emotions. I’m not saying we can not rely on our emotions it’s just that we have to balance things and try to consider aspects. Don’t’ just allow emotions to play a big part in solving the problem. You have to think and weigh the cause, sometimes being too emotional make the issues more complicated. I suggest in making decisions consider both your brain and heart.
Is Your Spouse Lonely?
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How much time do you spend talking with your spouse each week? Couples therapists say it's important to have time together to connect, and to have conversations that aren't about kids or household chores. Schedule a "date night," even if it's just a little down time in the living room after the kids are in bed. Write your date nights on your calendars and stick to the date night plans. If your relationship is troubled, don't spend date nights trying to solve your problems. Instead, build up a fund of positive experiences by finding things to do that you both enjoy. Schedule separate time for relationship talks and therapy. Everyone needs to relax, and your spouse deserves your full attention.
“Unquote” -williamaanne-: Quality time is very important. Find time once in a while to at least tell a story about your day. An even simple thing counts, by simply asking how’s office or does he/she has tons of work loads and so on so forth. The best time to spend talking is before setting yourself to bed. Before dozing yourself to sleep make sure that you were able to discuss how your day was and other thingies.
Ghosts of the Past
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Sometimes, the problems in a marriage are problems that started before you even met your partner. These "ghosts" can cause miscommunication, anxieties, and problems with money, power, and sex. A wife who was raped in the past may have trouble experiencing her partner's gentle sexual advances as expressions of love. A husband who had trouble with a previous cheating spouse may be hyper vigilant in his current marriage, looking for signs of infidelity where they don't exist. Sometimes, just talking about the "ghosts," asking questions like "What has happened like this in the past?", is enough to lay them to rest. If the ghosts are persistent and troubling enough, couples therapy may be needed to help you both understand their power and separate the past from the present.
“Unquote” -williamaanne-: The “ghost” thing can’t help you to move one. This case would give your relationship a certain wall. Don’t let this”ghost” hunt and over power you. Let bygones be bygones, don’t let the past manipulate your relationship, maneuver your life going to the right direction. Never talk about the past if the wound is not yet healed ‘coz it’s not the right way of healing, it’s more likely you’re stabbing him/her again on the same wound. Make sure you both agreed and accepted the “ghost” within you.
Separate Lives
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The most important thing partners in a marriage can do to prevent a cheating partner is to make sure your lives include time together, and to make that time a priority.Sometimes, work and family demands are urgent enough that they take over. The important thing is to remember that this is a crisis mode, and not to let it become your regular lifestyle. When you don't have time to make love, eat a meal together, or have a conversation during the week, it's time to make some changes.When you do have time together, plan to spend it in ways that allow you to reconnect. Movies and TV aren't as good for this as exercising together or going out to eat -- something that lets you talk while you unwind. Even something as simple as grocery shopping can be a chance to catch up and keep a healthy relationship going.
“Unquote” -williamaanne-: As what I have mentioned earlier, time for each other is very important. When you get married, the getting to know thing doesn’t stop from there. Married life gives you more chance to know each other better. The fact that you’re staying in one roof and sleeping in one bed is considered another adjustment. Always set a time for you to bond, even at home or outside. If both of you have something similar like you’re either fond of watching Movies or shopping, we’ll that would always be considered the perfect time for both of you to tag along. Finding time for each other is essential in a relationship.
One-Night Stands
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Sometimes, if the opportunity arises, a husband or wife who wouldn't contemplate a long-term affair may indulge in a one-night stand or brief fling. While some moments of infidelity go unnoticed and unmentioned after the one time, it's still a bad idea to succumb to an opportunity to cheat. For one thing, "private" acts have a way of becoming known, particularly in small communities like a workplace. Also, a spouse who cheats once and gets away with it may find infidelity becoming a habit.
“Unquote” -williamaanne-: Trust and respect is needed to overcome this subject. Nevertheless, this accounts the weakness of a person. But sometimes, short comings / falls of your partner push him/her to sudden deviation of desire or attention to other party. Make sure to a lot time and be responsible in your relationship.
One-Night Stands
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Both men and women can suffer from medical problems and hormone imbalances that get in the way of physical desire. The first step in treating lack of sexual desire may be to visit your doctor. Women in particular often suffer loss of libido for emotional as well as physical reasons. Relationship issues, past experiences of abuse, and societal expectations about women's sexuality may play into feelings of uninterest or inadequacy. Counseling is especially important in treating these issues and reaching a compromise with a more passionate partner.
“Unquote” -williamaanne-: Our body’s desire is normal. Sex is part of Married Life, in this case compromising is important. Don’t make love just for the sake of “lust” or “urge”, Sex should be done in a passionate way. There are times that your other half is not in the mood to make love, it doesn’t mean that he/she doesn’t love you or enjoy making love with you. Of course you have to be sensitive, if one’s body is dead sick because of work or emotional distress definitely it will not be the right time. Saying “NO” is not convincing, state what you feel and explain why, to make your other half worry free. This will help your partner to keep him/her out of paranoia.
Money and Marriage
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Money becomes a symbol for power in many marriages, and each partner brings expectations, fears, and hopes around money into the relationship when it begins. In addition, many cheating spouses are discovered not because of their extramarital sex, but because of their extramarital spending. One important step is to give both partners information and access to money that belongs to them both. On a practical note, this can prevent problems if the partner who does most of the bookkeeping and bill-paying becomes ill or disabled. Within a relationship, it sends a message that both partners are adults who have responsibilities for managing their joint resources. Another useful ground rule is a limit on big-ticket items. A good budget includes an amount of "mad money" -- even $25 per month, if that's what you can afford -- for each partner to spend without consulting the other. It also includes an agreement not to spend more than a certain amount without consulting one another, and a list of financial goals that both partners have set together.
“Unquote” -williamaanne-: Money matters. Other couple (or should I say as practice on different cultures) money or budgeting is mostly handled by the wife (but other cultures do the opposite). If you are the wife and you do budgeting it doesn’t mean that you’ll be the only one who’ll have an access to both of your money which the law states that what the couple have is considered “Conjugal Property”. Give the right to your partner to have an access in your account, and considering that he/she earns for both your living. It’s very important to let your partner know what you spend and buying personal stuffs should also be discussed so as not to bypass your other half. Considerably nowadays, there are men who can handle budgeting ideally.
Religion and Marriage
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Having a religion in common can help draw a couple together, so it's a destabilizing influence when one partner starts getting interested in another faith or loses interest in religion altogether. What's important is to respect one another's right to be spiritual individuals, and to reassure one another of your continuing love. The ability to stay emotionally honest, to hear one another's truths even when they are uncomfortable, is important when spiritual differences start to crop up. Look for the common spiritual ground you share -- perhaps a love of nature, or a belief in helping people in need -- and make time to explore that ground together.
“Unquote” -williamaanne-: Let God the center of your relationship. This one big factor in marriage, going in a common church establish the couples closeness to God. Different faith usually causes certain gap in the relationship ‘coz of different beliefs on different sects. But the respect and acceptance of your partner reassures you that he/she is giving you the freedom on your spiritual beliefs. Even if you are both living in different beliefs, I am sure that you’ll find a match in certain aspects in your religion, like doing charity works. What matters most are the assurance of undying LOVE and the fulfillment of the vow “Till Death Do Us Part”.
Stages of a Marriage
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Every marriage is different, but there are some predictable stages that most couples go through: -- Romance: The first one to five years involve discovering one another and building a foundation of affection and passion. Besides enjoying yourselves, it's a good idea to realize that the rest of your marriage will be patterned on what happens now. -- Coping: For some couples, reality sets in quickly with the birth of a first child. Other couples may go a few years before the romantic stage fades, often triggered by a major life event such as a job loss, a move, or a parent's death. The marriage tends to take a back seat to making a living, caring for a family, and other commitments. -- Rediscovery: Sometimes it takes couples therapy and hard work to get to this stage. Other times it happens naturally, as the kids grow up and the jobs settle down and you both begin to plan the latter part of your lives. The work of this stage is to let go of old resentments and appreciate the person you married.
“Unquote” -williamaanne-: “Getting to Know” is in deed a long process. Each day in couple’s life is considered part of the learning process. Expect the least expected that this and this will suddenly pop up. Be ready to face the daily worst (ever) and best (ever) scenario. Slowly you’ll find each others catch. There should be certain electricity in romance. Keep your relationship alive, establish new things, don’t stop popping surprises, and make your relationship bubblier each and every day. Having a child doesn’t mean stopping romance, having a child add excitement and spirit of happiness which completes you as a family and makes the bond more intact. Be appreciative and never end a day without saying the magical words “I Love You”.
Live and be happy!!!
Source: life tips – Move Up in Life (www.relationship.lifetips.com)
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