YES and NO is easier to spell than to say…
More often I find it hard to say YES or NO as an answer. All I know is that my tongue gets tied whenever there’ll be a need for YES or NO answer rather I can hastily answer Let's see or Will try. Maybe it’s pure anxiousness that manipulates me and stops me from answering YES or NO. I haven’t changed this attitude since god knows when, maybe I am just reeling myself out of a certain obligation or expectation by others whom I don’t have the heart to see them be disappointed or have them feel rejected. On the other hand, I may not be ready (or will never be ready) to face the consequences it entails --- I’m such a dum-dum. I don’t know if this attitude is acceptable, all I know is that I haven’t changed this behavior of mine for ages.
Just to give an example, back in 1996 my then BF (now husband) and I suddenly broke up. He then painstakingly didn’t waste time and immediately start to patch up things. And while he’s in the midst of trying to win me back he almost gave up, because I always keep him puzzled and never get any solid answer neither a hint from me. Until one day for the Nth time, he ask me if I still love him and would there be chances to start all over again. Knowing myself, I will simply ignore it and let it pass but upon hearing those, I suddenly felt something strange and from his words I can feel sincerity and unknowingly finding myself having a thought about it. Since I have this dilemma in using YES or NO as an answer, what I did was, I answered him with a gentle smack on his cheek. He was surprised, so am I, and then he asked what does it mean? I told him it depends on how he will interpret it. As it goes, he perceived it as a YES which is correct. Honestly, until now we keep on teasing each other because we’re still puzzled how we get back together without me saying YES.
As I analyze things, I can say that I lack self confidence. Maybe because when I was a child I wasn’t exposed socially. I mean, I always regard myself as different from others or let’s say that they are way better than me on every aspect. Until now my ego hasn’t changed and I just hope it hasn’t gone worse. I may sound a little eerie but this is all about me, myself and I.
How I wish that saying YES and NO is as easy as how you spell it…
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